now you're thinking with portals!
by AdiosAmigos
Summary: Ami is just another young woman flung into the Naruto Universe, except she lacks something many others have possessed. She lost all memory of Naruto. Without any knowledge or people she intends to save, she becomes an ordinary woman, desperately searching for a way home. But that doesn't mean people won't be saved, romance won't happen, or that she'll keep out of trouble…
1. A Neat Gun

A lot of people believe that you can tell someones personality just by their name.

Ami thought that was complete bullshit. Did the name determine the personality, or did children grow personalities to fit their names? Because in that case all of sociology can go right out the fucking door!

Ami scoffed, she was in a bad mood. Actually, she was almost always in a bad mood, she had a bitter personality, was very pessimistic and had a dark outlook on life, death and everything in between. She called it being realistic, her friends called it being a moody little shit, though they loved her all the same. Probably because Ami tended to be the life of the party, and had a weirdly good sense of humour to contrast the gloom.

The ps3 controller clicked in her hand as she expertly navigated her way through the test chambers and knocked over unsuspecting turrets. God she loved turrets. They were the cutest killing machine she'd ever came across and had decided that she needed one as a guard dog. At least she did until she was killed by one for the hundredth time.

"Ah fuck you too." She muttered and started the level over again. Just as she was about to make the ultimate momentum jump of all time her cell rang, causing her to lose focus and miss her mark entirely. Not even bothering to pause the game, she answered the call.

"Hello?" There was a long pause, and then some static.

"…Hellooo?" Her arms got goose bumps and she shuttered. Damn these calls from telemarketers always freaked her out for some reason, it was probably all the horror movies she watched.

"OK well this was a very engaging chat" She said dryly. Static still rang out from the other end. She contemplated threatening the other end but deciding against it.  
"Er... Have a good night I guess." She sighed and hung up. She sat on her old sofa for a moment before deciding to shut the blinds. But she couldn't shake the feeling like she was being watched and paced around the living room and kitchen.  
It was times like this that she was grateful she had a one floor house. The game was still playing in the background, the music calmed her somewhat. She stared at the small dog lounging on the sofa, surley he would be barking like mad if there was a stranger looming about. Right?

She grabbed her phone and stuffed it in her jean pocket. And surely she wouldn't need to call the police, but her self preservation made her cling onto it.  
"Hpmh, I'm being so paranoid tonight!" She scolded herself out loud, her voice sounded strained and awkward and it set her teeth on edge, she was half aware of her heart beating wildly in her chest.

Looking for any kind of distraction she grabbed the toy portal gun from its shelf and flickered between the blue and orange setting.

"I have a gun!" She jokingly shouted into the empty house, firing it at her walls and celling. Feeling like more of a badass she snuck around her flat snipper style, flicking on all the lights, locking the windows and checking the closets. Her dog following happily behind, thinking she was looking for treats to give him, bless his little dog soul.

After thoroughly checking the rooms and locking windows she gave a sigh of relief. She was about to walk into the hallway that lead to the front door to lock it when she heard she heard the unmistakable sound of it creaking open.

She had heard that sound so many times. She heard it every time she had come home exhausted from a day at school or work, or late night with friends. When ever her mom came home from work, her face worn but happy. usually carrying in some groceries. It had been a sound she associated with happiness, but now it was the most terrifying thing in the world to her. Her dogs ears perked up. He heard it too.

"Hello, mom?" She said loudly. There was no reply. She knew it wasn't her mom, she was in another town, hours away by car and wouldn't be home for two more days. Her hands shook as she stepped towards the front door, all she knew was that she was going to have to fight. Unconsciously, Ami grasped the portal gun tighter. The tigger was pulled simultaneously as she took a step forward. There was a flash of blue and orange and she got the distinct feeling of falling. And then she hit something hard, heard a sickening crack, felt a flash of pain, and promptly passed out.

Had she remained conscious her next train of thought would have gone something like: 'Oh fuck me, what did I do to deserve this perverse treatment from the cruel hands of fate?' Or something stupid like that.

Part II

Three figures in black cloaks with red clouds stood facing each other.  
Around them water dipped from stalactites, but they were too deep in concentration to notice or to care.

They stood there for hours, their hands clasped in a strange sign that Ami would have recognized in another time and place… Slowly a blue aura engulfed the cave, wavering and then slowly accumulating between the three figures. It hovered in the air like mist. Tried as they might they could not get it to progress any farther, and so they left in defeat.

And for three years the blue mist stayed exactly the same, for three years they watched, unsure of what could happen next.

Until one day, the mist fell to the floor like rain from a could, forming a perfect shimmering pool of blue on the ground. Out of no where a young woman flew up through it with an impressive amount of momentum and then fell to the cave floor, successfully breaking two ribs and badly bruising her pelvis. The blue portal disappeared, and so Ami lay on the stone ground, blissfully unaware of how far away from home she was, with no way to return.

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a/n: Thanks for reading! To be completely honest, I'm writing this story to increase my writing capabilities and what not but I'm still putting in a fair amount of effort into the actual story, and Ami as a character has really been growing on me lately, I hope that you as readers can grow to like her too, anyway Thanks again.


	2. This was a Triumph

Part I

A cloaked figure shuffles slowly into a dark cave...

The routine checks on the strange blue mist had gone from hourly to daily in the first month but Leader-Sama was adamant about this thing being checked at least daily. It seemed he feared that Orochimaru had lied all those years ago and instead of being a portal jutsu what they had done was foolishly set the trap Orochimaru had laid out for them.

It wasn't too much of a hassle since at least one member was always stationed in this hideout anyway, but it did take some time to walk all the way down to the cave and back.

Deidara was about to complain more when he noticed the lack of a blue glow that was normally there.

He pulled out a kunai and crept silently into the darkness. If this was a trap by Orochimaru then Deidara was in for the fight of his life and truthfully he wasn't sure if he would survive at all.

In swift moment he created a small clay bird and attached a paper bomb to it with a note warning that the portal had been opened. Deidara hoped that this would be enough but as soon as the bird flew out of his hand Deidara was was moving again, his kunai poised to kill.

Then he noticed a shape on the ground next to where the blue mist had been.

' _What the fuck is that!'_ For all he could tell it could have been a sack of potatos or an enemy ninja. He stilled, waiting for whatever that was to make a move. Ten minutes passed before Deidara considered to go closer but just as he was about to take a step closer the lump groaned and noisily shuffled on the ground.

Unsure of what to do, because obviously this wasn't an ninja or at least not a very good one, he stood still. Waiting. It whimpered, sounding suspiciously like a girl and then heard the rustling of clothing.

"H-hello?" It was defiantly a girl. Her voice sounded horse and she spoke softly, as if she were in pain or scared. Probably both. Another reason why she couldn't be a ninja and also the small fact that she didn't seem to have any chakara.

"Who the hell are you, hn?" He asked, feeling a bit pissed off.

The girl gasped, and then there was a thud. Deidara rolled his eyes, she was most defiantly _not_ a ninja.

Part II

All Ami knew at that moment was that it was really fucking dark. It was really dark and she was in a hell of a lot of pain.

Sure, she had her fair share of cuts and bruises in childhood, some stitches and that one time where her knee had been torn up by and angry dog but she had never felt anything like this.

She could not take a breath without being sent into a world of agony. Her body was confused, the pain making her hold her breath and then her brain forcing her to breath. She tried to settle for small shallow breaths, it still hurt like hell but that was as good as it was going to get she reasoned.

Speaking of reason, what the actual fuck was going on. She very clearly remembered standing in her hallway scared absolutely shitless by whoever had decided that it would be fun to break into her house.

She remembered creeping down the hallway and clutching onto her stupid portal gun like it was an actual gun. She vaguely remembered falling, or feeling like she was falling?

Had someone crept up behind her and knocked her out? It would explain all the pain she was in. It would also explain why she had woken up somewhere that was not her house.

Fear crept down her spine, she had heard stories of things like this happening, women who were beaten, raped and killed in their our homes.

Few were found by the police in time, and fewer still made it out at all. Their bodies dumped in some hole in some forest, only to be found twenty years later. The family's left in shambles, and the fucks who killed them never found. It was disgusting. And now Ami was going to be one of them, just another murder statistic.

But just as she had given up a surge of defiance ran through her blood. Maybe it was her survival instincts kicking in, or her iron will, or self preservation, call it what you will but in that moment she decided that she would fight tooth and nail to getup of this, and bring the motherfucker who did this to justice.

And if she couldn't do at least that, then she'd settle for dragging him down with her. Stupid shit messed with the wrong person.

She heard something from behind her, something like a shoe scraping against rock. Adrenaline coursed threw her and momentarily forgetting her pain, she sat up, trying to get in a good position to run. But she couldn't tell where the person was standing, she needed to get him to speak.

"H-hello?" Her voice sounded weak and afraid. _'Not good'_ she thought _'I have to sound as sure as I am…'_

Whoever was there paused for a moment, obviously wondering if he should respond.

"Who the hell are you, hn?" He asked none too politely.

That was a weird question to ask the person you kidnaped, but she didn't have time to dwell on that. She knew where he stood now, she shifted her body away from where he stood and ran.

Or at least she tried to.

What she actually ended up doing was hurting herself even more, gasping in pain, and then falling face first into the stony ground and fainting for the second time in one day.

Part III

Deidara threw the unconscious girl over his shoulder and carried her to the main hide out. Halfway there he remembered the distress signal he'd sent out and chuckled.

 _'This is going to be interesting,…'_

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a/n: Thanks dooligan for your lovely review! I'm so glad you like Ami too, I can't wait to put her through hell and back, huahaha!


	3. Still Alive

After everything Ami had been through in the last few hours it was no surprise she was completely out of it. Her train of thought would make perfume commercials look like they had reason. After being roused from unconsciousness by the soft murmuring of voices she had a feeling that something wasn't quite right. She tried to think about what it could have been. She had been playing video games before she had to go to bed. There was nothing abnormal about that. Wait, didn't she have work today?

She mulled that thought over. Work in the morning. Morning….

' _FUCK.'_

Her back went rigid, all sense of reason coming back to her through the sheer fear of having to face her manager from hell for being late. She still hadn't recovered from the last time.

Frantically she tried to stand up, she had sixty things to do and only minutes to do them in, god knows she could be a horrendous bitch without coffee and a shower, but she couldn't move. Actually, she could't see either, something was tied over her eyes.

 _'_ _Weird'_ She tried to kick her legs out, but no dice. ' _Really weird_ '

Something was nagging at her, Ami got the feeling it was pretty important. But what could be more important than being late for her hellish retail job?

Then it hit her like a truck. Right, she had been kidnaped and beaten, now she was blindfolded and tied to a chair. Fantastic. What was she going to do now? In all of the films she'd seen where shit like this had happened, the people in this situation were either in a group or would freak the fuck out, both resulted in their early demise. So she decided to sit there as calm as she could, while also fidgeting with the ropes tying her legs, wrists and torso. _'Wow this fucker really doesn't mess around with the bondage stuff.'_ Ami tried unsuccessfully to think about how kinky her captor was.

The longer she sat there, the more uncomfortable she became. The feeling of being watched by many eyes was undeniable. Straining her ears she swore she could hear breathing or hushed voices.

"Uh," her voice cracked and she cleared her throat "This is, well this is kind of awkward." She thought she could hear the shifting of clothing or someone shuffling their feet. No one was saying anything. "I mean, there I was, minding my own business when someone just walks through my front door and attacks me!" Ami tried to laugh to defuse the tension, but it sounded more like hysterical crying so instead she just coughed awkwardly.

There was some more murmuring and then a soft spoken man with a calm voice spoke out. "We were not the ones who attacked you" he said. "Neither do I know who did it, but whoever it was left you in our… house."

"You have a strange house" Ami replied, thinking of the cave like ground. Someone snorted and Ami could feel the tension slowly slipping away.

A different man, this one with a loud intimidating voice was the next to speak.

"I think we can risk taking the blindfold off now, it's pretty clear she isn't a threat."

"Hey! I'm stronger than I look" Wait did she just say that out loud? She was preparing herself for the worst, some astonished gasps or a slap to the face for her cheek but the response she got was something she didn't expect.

They were _laughing_. Well one of them was laughing, the rest were chuckling but the important thing was that no one was trying to cut her throat.

"I like her! Can we keep her around?" The loud one said. One of the others responded with an impressive scoff and then she heard the soft spoken one behind her, making her jump.

"We'll keep her here until Leader-Sama decides what's best." She wanted to interject with how she was her own person but the gods granted her a moment of clarity and she kept her mouth shut. And then the blind fold loosened and fell to her lap.

The dim light was soft on her eyes that had become so accustomed to the dark, and what she saw in front of her was indescribably and unquestionably _weird._

before her stood three freaks of nature and a very pretty blond girl leaning against the wall. Which was odd because she was sure there had been only mens voices. The one who towered above everyone else caught her attention first. He was blue. That's the first thing Ami noticed. Then it was his eyes, though she couldn't pin point what was different about them. Then it was the slits under those freaky-deaky peepers of his. Her gaze then landed on freak number two who was big and green like a plant and that's all her poor brain could process. Upon her gaze he started to _merge into the goddamned ground_.

"I'll be going" Was all it said before it was gone.

Ami's mouth fell open and her eyes were wide with shock. "Guh…" She had tired to say 'what the fuck was that thing' but she supposed 'Guh' would have to suffice.

Blondie rolled her one eye. "Hn, we already broke her, that's no fun." She wasn't a she, Ami discovered.

"You're a _guy!_ " Ami shouted, completely astonished. Freak number one laughed very hard at that and blondie looked absolutely furious. Then the one who was slightly less of a freak than the other two but sill weird as fuck moved to stand in front of Ami. The reason for being a freak was that his eyes were red. And also had... black dots in them. Alrighty then.

"I would advise that while you're here to be as quite as humanly possible…" What a buzz kill. Still, she could feel herself sweating under his intense gaze and nodded. He turned around to look at blondie. "And Deidara," he said calmly "at least try not to kill the girl before Leader-Sama gets here." Blondie, or Deidara she supposed she should call him "Hmph'ed" and left the room, but not before shooting her a death glare.

Ami rolled her eyes at his dramatics. The red eyed man followed suit not even sparing her a glance which Ami was thankful for. But what she wasn't thankful for was being left alone with freak number one.

"Well!" he said smiling, showing a mouthful of sharp pointy teeth. "Looks like it's just us now."

Ami swallowed hard. "Yup" she answered unsure of basically everything.

 _'_ _What the actual fuck is going on?'_

* * *

haha! she finally meets some of the Akatsuki! Things are going to get very fun very fast (well, it will for me) Thanks for the very helpful review dooligan! I've started this fic with the intention to work out my writing skills before going off to college... And I'm sure my future teachers will thank you for sparing them a coma ridden essay (at least I hope I can kick the habit before then lol)


	4. This next test is impossible

When Ami had time to asses her situation she didn't think things could get any crazier.

Boy was she wrong! Currently she was being led around an underground base thing with a half-man half-shark thing as a guide. It could be worse though, she could be dead. Which was true enough for now, as long as she had all her appendages attached and her lungs filled with air then at least knew she was ok, or at least had a chance to be ok. And as far as she could tell everything was going pretty well in that regard.

She inspected her hands and almost let out a sigh.

If they decided to torture her then her fingers would probably be the first to go. Ami wiggled them, trying to get used to the idea of losing some or all because accepting it before it happened would save her a world of pain.

And to make herself feel better she thought of the whores who would cut off a pinky to show their devotion to a man, cause if they could get through it so could she. Silently she thanked each finger for their service. Especially the middle ones because she would miss them the most, next to her thumbs of course. Ah, how she would miss her thumbs.

"Sorry what did you say your name was" Shark boy asked, rudely disturbing her heartfelt farewell.

"Ami, Just Ami" She answered hoping he wouldn't think it was weird she wasn't telling him her last name and he didn't seem to care. "What's yours again? Kasame?" She had missed his introduction because she was too busy thinking about the gills on his face. Trying to think scientifically about how that was possible and realized with some frustration that it wasn't.

" _Kisame_ , Hoshigaki Kisame." He looked at her expectantly, like a semi-popular actor looks at strangers passing by. You know the ' _don't you know who I think I am?_ ' look. But she had no flipping idea who this jackass was and therefore had no way to inflate his ego.

Did she dare risk his wrath?

Ami shrugged.

Apparently she did.

But he didn't seem very bothered, and if he did he didn't let it show on his inhuman face. Ami knew she should be scared of him but deep down she just couldn't find it in herself to do so. Even if she did feel like he would rip her to pieces without a second thought, his personality screamed 'I _'m alright, I guess_ ' and that was her kind of person.

And so she kept her mouth firmly shut. Well for the most part at least.

"You know Kisame, I love the aesthetic of this place." Ami said causally as she waved a hand at the molding walls and dirt ridden floor.

He looked back at her the way a fish would look at a chinchilla. Obviously he wasn't well versed in the art of shit posting.

"You know what I'm talkin' about right? The soft grunge look is very 'in' these days." Ami touched the wall and regretted it immediately and wiped the grime on her pants.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" It seemed she had confused him so much he forgot his manners.

Ami sighed. "I talk about random shit when I'm stressed" she answered truthfully "I'll stop if it bothers you." She tried to look casual about it all but also like she was kinda sad so he would feel guilty.

"Yes, do that before I get Kakuzu to sew your mouth shut."

Ami dramatically covered her heart with her hands as though she had been shot but kept quiet. Her obvious pain didn't faze him and they continued on. She wondered who Kakuzu was but realized that if he wasn't against sewing peoples mouth's shut she didn't want to met him. If the horror movies she loved were right then he probably also wouldn't just stop at sewing her mouth shut. She shuddered and tried to not think about it.

Eventually they came to a long hallway with three doors on each side and spaced evenly like a hotel. He lead her to the first one on the left and threw open the door revealing a very minimalistic room with just a bed and a nightstand with a pathetic lamp on it. For some reason the lonely lamp made her really sad, like on the verge of tears sad.

Kisame _'tsked_ ' in disgust. "I'm so sorry the room isn't too your liking _princess._ We have some fine rooms in the dungeon if you'd like."

She shook her head "No, this is great it's just the lamp." Her bottom lip trembled and Kisame had the look of absolute bewilderment upon his fish-face before pushing her inside the room. "The bathroom is right across the hall, _don't_ snoop around, _don't_ talk to anyone and for the love god _don't_ _do anything stupid_. You'll be killed before you can beg for your life." He slammed the door and left.

She stood in silence, trying to figure out what she was feeling in that moment. She was still in a lot of pain, her body ached from her head to her toes that she was sure of. She thought of what he had said and felt happy he had warned her at all instead of just locking her in here. Or in the dungeon. Ami shuddered at the thought of what sort of freaks actually had a dungeon these days. "Please don't let it be a sex dungeon." She whispered to the empty room.

Part ll

Kisame stood and glared at the closed door. The girl behind it had somehow made him so irrationally angry yet he was also completely amused by her behaviour. He hand't been so entertained by someone he wasn't killing in a long time and he found it quite strange. He begrudgingly hoped she wouldn't die _too_ soon. Just not until he got bored of her strange personality.

He was about to leave when he heard her speak.

"Please don't let it be a sex dungeon." The great mist assassin nearly laughed out loud. He was sure he would enjoy the havoc she would caused, at least while it lasted.

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a/n after some seriously angst filled waiting I have finally gotten my letter of acceptance to my college of choice! And so I have been prompted to continue writing regularly again. Not that it was regular to begin with but meh. With the threat of 1,000 word essays (and more) I'm more fired up than ever to improve my writing abilities, and the speed of which I can do so as well! And with that in thought, I thank anyone reading this, just seeing how many people go past the first chapter brings joy to my day.


	5. That's it, I'm done reasoning with you

So here's the thing, nobody really knows they're in denial. Obviously it wouldn't be called that if they _were_ aware but that's a completely different barrel of fish. But to someone just passing by they would know right away that Ami was balls deep in denial.

I mean _come on_ , she just happens to wake up in a cave surrounded by these monster people and they just happen to also have medieval ideologies and somehow that all fits into the world she knows? Fuck no! They would slap some sense into her saying 'girl, you know this isn't right so stop acting like it is' unfortunately there wasn't anyone to talk some sense into her so she remained in her little room with the sad little lamp and the grimy walls, trying not to go hysterical because she was totally going to get her ass fired.

Ami tossed her legs over the side of the bed and began to pace around the room. She really needed to pee but shark boy had told her no snooping, but did that include leaving her room? What if she opened the wrong door? That was unlikely because he had told her explicitly that it was right across the hall but what if it wasn't and she got her head cut off because of it. Although she was pretty sure she'd also lose her head for peeing on the floor like an animal.

So she strode towards the door and without a second thought she threw it open with a dramatic flare.

Ami now knew that her friends weren't lying when they told her she had really shitty timing. Out in the hall stood the moody blonde lad from earlier. He looked kind of pissed of in a bitchy sort of way… Whats the word? Right, pissy.

Like his hair colour.

"Hey there!" She said brightly. Ami decided to go one step further and giggled like a school girl.

His face contorted with something like rage with a hint of disgust and it filled Ami with sadistic satisfaction. He opened his mouth, no doubt to say some well thought out and witty retort to her annoying preppyness but he just huffed and continued to strut angrily down the hall. She had to resist the urge to whistle at his shapen behind but channeled her mental power to think of insults to throw at him.

' _Aw, now how am I going to survive without your shitty attitude?'_

 _'You can't go now, I was just about to ask if you wanted me to coach you on not being such a shit head!'_

 _'Don't you know it's rude to leave a fight without at least trying to get the last word?'_

But before she could choose her favourite, he was gone.

Ami rolled her eyes and sauntered into the room across from hers which thankfully actually was a bathroom. But sadly it had the same 'je ne sais quoi' as the rest of the place. It wasn't that it was particularly dirty in the 'I'm going to get all the diseases from being here' kind of way, it was just kind of dusty and had a lot of grime. Upon entering the room there was a sink on the left with the toilet next to it. And taking up the right side of the room was a bath and shower combo. It wasn't a particularly big room and just like everywhere else there weren't any windows.

With some difficulty Ami pushed down the claustrophobic feeling and looked under the sink for any toiletries she could scavenge.

It seemed to be well stalked with toilet paper, soap, a tooth brush, tooth paste and various sizes of towels. She thanked god for the bounty and gabbed a roll of toilet paper.

She soon noticed though that it wasn't the three layered extra plush that she liked, no it was the one ply that you find in public restrooms. The kind that just doesn't do the job quite right and that is probably going to give you a rash. She knew she'd have to live with it. If being disappointed with her room made her an insufferable princess then god knows what complaining about the toilet paper would make her. Probably something she would not like to be called, something that sounded like 'binch'.

Then after she was done, and like any civilized person, she flushed the toilet and washed her hands with the oddly feminine hand soap. She took a closer look at the label and realized that someone had written 'Very manly' before the name of it. Which just happened to be 'vanilla love dream soap'. Ami didn't know how to respond to that so she just put it back on the counter.

She stared at her reflection in the dusty mirror. The girl staring back looked tired and irritated, not a good look for a young, single lady like herself. Although if she had to be honest with herself her life was too hectic for a stable relationship right now. What with the kidnaping and the being held prisoner thing.

"It's just, well it's not you, it's me" She said to her reflexion and then gave it her all to look offended.

"What? You're breaking up with me? I thought you were proposing…" She kicked into actress drive and her eyes teared up. "Then what? My boobs are too big!" She Scoffed and turned away from the mirror dramatically. The only thing she loved more that re-enacting her favourite movies was re-watching them so after her oscar worthy performance she became hell bent on seeing Legally Blonde for the umpteenth time.

When she got to her room she was almost going to snoop around to see if there was even a TV around but thought back the menacing Shark Man Kisame and decided against it. But she was quickly becoming dangerously bored and without entertainment it was only too soon that Ami would turn to singing show tunes a the top of her lungs.

Ami took a deep breath and was seconds away from blasting out like an air horn before there came heavy footsteps and then without warning her door was flung open.

"Come on already! dinners being severed, you dumb bitch!" Then he left in a huff. Ami hadn't had time to get a good look but she was fairly certain he was an albino. Oh, and that he was going to pay for calling her a bitch.

She stomped after him with a few choice insults to throw his way. Most of them implying he was an incestuous bastard that couldn't tie his own shoe laces. But she wouldn't waste them yet, they still needed to be perfected. Besides wouldn't it be fun to call him out in front of all his friends?

She thought so.

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 **Shits about to go** **_down town!_** **Also shout out to 'Realworld no shinobi' for one of the nicest reviews I've ever gotten! Also shout out to me for being so old fashioned with this site and still doing shout outs in chapters. Ah, I'm getting old.**


	6. Stranded in Space

Ami followed the albino with more disdain than was probably necessary. And she let it go full display on her face. Her head turned up, her mouth scrunched into an exaggerated frown and she'd roll her eyes every ten steps. But only because she was too afraid to do anything vocal. This guy, well he looked and felt like a ferret gone berserk and she did not want to be on the other end of his over-kill scythe he carried around.

Who the fuck did he think he was anyway? A demon of death? Ami almost snorted, he probably did. She'd have to test the waters before she full out insult him.

They had been taking an unreasonable amount of twist and turns, wether it was because he didn't want her to know her way around or if it was because that's just how it was built she didn't know.

But she felt compelled to assure him that her scene of direction was complete shit. It was the ultimate shit, actually. She thought back to that embarrassing moment in the corn maze and shuddered. Yes, even if they had given her directions and a map, she would never make it out of here.

Then they came upon a very large staircase. Like the rest of the place it was made out of compact dirt and stone.

Ami peeked over the frenzied ferrets shoulder and noted that halfway up it turned into actual normal stairs for actual normal people. The ferret, as Ami dubbed him, looked back at her obviously annoyed that she had stopped following for a second.

He had opened his dumb mouth to say something but Ami cut him off. "I was _just_ stopping to smell the roses, good god man by the look on your face you'd think I had eaten your first born." Ami laughed and the man paused, the look of contempt frozen on his face while Ami just stared innocently back at him.

"What? I don't actually eat babies…" She shrugged her shoulders "well, not anymore." She added quietly but loud enough for him to hear her.

He just made an angry huffing sound and continued on.

'Nice.' She thought, 'my weirdness saves my ass again!' But the nagging voice in her mind told her that that's what usually got her into trouble in the first place. 'Well if that's the case then it's a good thing I'm talented enough to dig the hole and then climb out of it again' she retorted. Her inner voice had nothing more to say to that.

At the top of the stairs there was a a landing of sorts, and then a door at the very end. The floor was made of some nice tiled stone and the walls were painted a cream colour and finally the door was just a normal white door with wood trimming, it was nice to be in a suburban house again. Though she felt very bad for their neighbours.

Mr. Albino turned towards her and opened the door for her. "Oh my, what a gentlemen" She said. He looked vivid.

"Just keep walking you stupid bitch!" He almost yelled.

"Well excuse me for complementing you, YOU DUMB FUCK!" She actually did yell.

He made a grab for the scythe on his back but she was too angry to care, but before she could say 'Bring it on ferret boy' the dark haired man stopped him. The albino actually looked scared, and so Ami decided that out of respect she would be scared too.

"Leader-sama's here." Was all that he said, and then he practically glided out of the room. The albino gave one last look of hatred and then stomped after him. And seeing as how Ami didn't have much a choice she followed after the them.

The room they entered was a kitchen and dinning room area. There was an long table in the room closest to them with various decor along the walls that included a wooden clock and some decorative vases and various trinkets on a shelf.

The kitchen had all the modern appliances right up to a coffee machine and a microwave oven. But her attention was focused more on the people who were lounging about the room.

There was Deidara who was leaning against the wall in the dinning area, Kisame who was cooking something on the stove with the black haired man standing next to him.

The albino had seemingly walked right out the other door on the kitchen side and the plant guy was no where to be seen. Thank god, she wouldn't be able to handle another sight of that thing for a while.

She casually walked over to Deidara who was glaring daggers at her. "Nice day isn't it!" She said and gingerly pulled out a chair. He didn't seem to happy about her sarcasm as there still weren't any windows to see if it actually was a nice day out.

"Hn, you won't survive long in here with a mouth like that, che." He said probably referring to the yelling match with the ferret.

"I don't doubt it." Ami smoothed the wrinkles out of her jeans " _But_ I'm not dead yet so I've still got a running chance."

"Actually, you've got until Leader-Sama decides what do with you, hn. _then_ you've got a running chance.'

Ami pondered this knowledge and rolled it around her mind like a fine wine. She had figured this 'Leader-sama' would play a part in her fate but by the righteous tone in Deidara's voice this wasn't going to be in her favour.

"This Leader-Sama, he doesn't happen to be very… merciful by any chance?" The look on Deidara's face, which happened to be something between joyful glee and completely crazed, didn't suggest so.

"You'll find out soon enough, hn" He pushed himself off the wall and went to converse with the guys cooking. Ami had half a mind to join them but didn't feel like pushing her luck considering she was kind of already walking on thin ice. If this leader guy was as kind as he sounded then she didn't stand a chance in hell. Ami stared blankly at the clock, the seconds ticking by felt like her life draining away and left her feeling quite restless all of a sudden. But mostly tired. And so she did what she always did when she didn't know what to do, she took a nap.

* * *

a/n: Poor Ami! I almost feel bad. _Almost_... Ah, sorry for not updating sooner though, life has been throwing me curve balls. And the latest one happens to have an arsonist and an unforeseen promotion of sorts. (The promotion has taken a bit of time off my hands but I am very grateful for it) Anyway Ami and Hidan are like oil and water, mostly because I would have to change a big part of both of their personalities for them to get along. So hatred it is! And yeah Hidan 100% would have killed her, and there will be times like that in the future too. I've got half a mind to... actually that would be a spoiler. huahaha tune in the time to find out. Thanks for the lovely reviews as well, they keep the monster artist in me well fed.


	7. Past president of the being alive club

Something wasn't right but Ami couldn't figure out what it was. Her house was quiet as usual, the dog was napping and the clock above the stove ticked quietly.

But something wasn't _right_.

She tried to stand up but her body wouldn't move, She tried to scream but her voice wouldn't work.

Panic was rising in her like the swell of the sea and the ticking clock was getting louder. Her head was begging to pound with each second and soon it was shaking the whole earth, the walls started to crumble, windows broke. Everything was chaos.

She found the will to pry her body from the couch and realized with dismay that it wad been thousands of tiny insect legs holding her down, she cried out to her dog but he wasn't moving, he was dead.

Ami frantically crawled to the front door, her only escape from being crushed to death. She had made it to the hallway when she saw a man standing in her path.

He wore a halloween mask, and a red and black stripped shirt and he was holding a gun. She cried and silently begged for him to let her go but he didn't move. Slowly he pointed the gun right between her eyes. There was a loud whooshing noise, a flash of blue and orange and then she woke up.

The first thing she noticed was the sheen of sweat covering her body. Then the solid wood table her hands and head were resting on, she drew strength from that. Ami took in a few shaky breaths, trying to orient herself.

She had a dream. No, a nightmare. She was awake now, she was safe. She thought back to the morning, she had pancakes for breakfast. Her mom was out of town and she was alone.

And she was alone when she had been attacked. She remembered the gun shot, but was that from her memories or was that from her dream. Was she… Dead?

But how could she be, the table felt too real and she could feel her frantic heartbeat and the air in her lungs how could this be death.

Slowly she raised her head from the table and wiped away the sweat. Across from Ami sat a man with stark black hair and red eyes.

Right, she wasn't in Kansas anymore. It was silent except for the clock and she shuddered. "I just had um, a bad dream." She felt awkward and shy, like a child who had been caught playing where they shouldn't be.

"I know" Was all he said and her face heated up from embarrassment. For some reason she felt she owed him an explanation, though she had none to give.

"You're not from here." It was a statement and Ami felt a tinge of frustration. "No" She said, trying to not say anything that would make her sound like a smart ass.

"You're not from this world, either." Another statement, Ami was about to agree but stopped herself. "What?" Ami swallowed hard, what was that supposed to mean. She was damned sure there was only one earth with coffee machines. But he just looked at her with those unfathomable eyes. After a few more seconds of 'romantic eye staring' he got up and walked off leaving Ami in a state of confusion and suppressed panic.

"W-wait." Her voice was small and pathetic, she sounded like she was going to cry and from the stinging in her eyes she probably was.

Then the Fish man known as Kisame lumbered into the dinning room and sat where his companion had been. He looked at her with interest and maybe a little pity too. "Itachi-san has an ability that lets him see into the minds of others, he did it while you were dreaming." He said nonchalantly, as if this was a regular occurrence. "We had our doubts about you and your situation but being asleep allowed Itachi virtually full access to your memories and thoughts."

Ami felt wasn't sure if she should feel amazed that magic was real or completely violated for having someone poke around her memories like that but Kisame continued on before she could process anything. "So he's gone to Leader-Sama to plead your case."

Ami faltered. "My case?" She repeated dumbly.

"Sure, we can't just have random people wondering around our secret base all the time, and after being here there's no way we would risk letting you walk free. 'Course people don't like being prisoners so they tend to try to escape. It's less of a hassle to just kill them as they come." Now he really was saying it like it happened every day.

"That's doesn't bode well for me then." Ami said flatly.

"Not usually," Kisame said thoughtfully "But you don't have a home anymore. You've got nowhere to go even if you did escape." He watched her carefully. Ami knew this probably should have hit her harder, she should have been pretty upset maybe stomp her feet or yell a little but she didn't. It somehow made sense.

"I... died." She said looking Kisame in the eye, he didn't even blink. "Someone came into my home and shot me, and then I woke up here." He didn't say anything, just nodded.

"I'm in a coma." She decided. Her brain had to still be alive for her to be imagining this, besides no one really knows what goes on inside a comatose patient.

"If that makes it easier." Was all Kisame said before he left her to her thoughts.

She knew she'd have to find some way to wake up before they pulled the plug on her, else she really would die. She tried to reach out into the void to twitch her real fingers or accelerate her heart. All she felt she did was give herself a pounding headache though. She sighed and got up from the table and wondered into the kitchen. It was empty of people but on the counter sat a plate of fried fish, rice and various vegetables, there was piece of paper with her name written on it.

It was actually really good, it reminded her of her moms cooking and after that thought she couldn't stop her tears from falling.

* * *

A/N I know what you're thinking. 'Ah man, I hate stories that chalk it all up to being in a dream/coma!' Don't worry. She's not in a coma, she just doesn't have any way to explain this. 'But is she dead?' Maybe. 'Will she ever go back home.?!' Maybe. Depends on how I generous I feel when I'm writing it. Huahhah. On another note this was a pretty serious chapter, don't worry we'll get back the the 'shits and giggles' soon. Thanks again for those wonderful reviews I know I say this a lot but they really do mean the world to me.


	8. Good work getting this far

After eating some seriously good food and having her moment of pity Ami felt immensely better. She wiped her tears and snotty nose on the inside of her hoodie, usually she'd be grossed out but at this point she really didn't give a fuck.

She sat and stared at the vases and thought long and hard about leaving the kitchen area. She was still under scrutiny so snooping around would still get her in trouble but they once again never told her the extent of what would get her in trouble.

Was it looking through drawers and cupboards or simply walking into another room. She sighed in frustration and decided it wouldn't hurt to just look into the other rooms, but she wouldn't open any doors.

Ami crept across the room and poked her head through the open door way in the kitchen. It lead strait into a cozy living room with two large plush sofas and a recliner.

On the back wall was an impressive book display that went from floor to celling. Her curiosity got the better and she walked over to examined the books, looking for anything vaguely interesting or familiar.

She hummed quietly to herself as her finger brushed over the spines. 'Advanced training tactics, Expert poisons, Torture for Information Gathering…' She snapped her hand back as if it had burnt her, these were not her kind of reading material.

She started looking in another section, this one much less macabre than the previous. She pulled one out of the shelf. "History of the great ninja wars?" She 'hmmed' and sat on the sofa nearest to her and began to read.

As Ami got to the second chapter she realized that she wasn't alone any more, she caught a glimpse of a black cloak and jumped a foot in the air.

"Dear god, you nearly gave me a heart attack!" She said sincerely with a hand to her chest. The man, or Itachi as she had learned, stared coldly at her. Ami gently closed the book and put it on the coffee table. She stood shaking slightly.

"I very sorry, I knew I wasn't allowed to wonder around but… No one really told me to what extent that would be," she laced her fingers together nervously

"And the books looked so interesting, and I didn't understand what you meant by me being in another world but I've been reading the history book and I know now. Ninjas, and chakra, and this magic could never exist in my world and, and…" She looked back up at him but he just held his hand up to silence her ramblings.

"The meeting to decide your fate has been concluded."

Ami felt the blood drain from her face, she sat down. "Oh." She couldn't bring herself to look at him any longer.

"And Leader-Sama has decided to let you live."

It took a moment to sink in. "Oh!" She looked back up at him, with hope in her eyes. And he stared back stoically.

"You will remain here until further notice. You will be returned to the room you were in for tonight and then in the morning you will be briefed on everything you'll need to know."

Ami nodded and then Itachi turned and began to walk away. Halfway to the door he stopped. "Follow me."

Ami blushed, she quickly put the book back were she found it and rushed after him. Despite there not being any trace of emotion in his voice she still felt like child being scolded. So she didn't even want to ask if she could bring the book with her.

The walk back to her room was a quite one, and though they didn't take as many turns, which confirmed her later theory, it still felt unbearably awkward. They stopped in the familiar hallway and Itachi stopped in front of her room, somehow knowing she would have gone into the wrong one without his help witch made feel both gratitude and embarrassment.

"Er, thank you Itachi-san." She didn't know if she used the honorific right but Itachi nodded and left so she guessed she got it right.

She sighed again and trudged into her room. Judging from what Itachi had said this thankfully wouldn't be her permanent residence. Ami was already feeling bored so she decided that now was as good time as any to take a well needed shower.

She walked on over to the only other familiar place in the whole world, which was pretty funny in it's own way because she had only been in the room once before.

She looked under the 'familiar' sink and grabbed the 'familiar' towels. And then after doing some more looking she found some travel sized shampoo and conditioner bottles hidden in the medicine cabinet. "I'm so glad that these made it into another world!" She said sarcastically. If she was completely honest though, the one thing she was actually ecstatic about was the coffee machine. Coffee makes the world go 'round and all that.

She turned to the shower.

"Well, now it's the most stressful part of showing in an unfamiliar place, figuring out how the bastard works." She rubbed her hands together, and inspected the thing. There weren't any helpful markers on it so this was either going to be really hot or really cold. Ami gently pulled the lever thing and water just came flooding out in a torrent of ice cold water.

She hissed and pulled her hand back, and nudged the lever down a notch, leaving the water flowing in a light drizzle.

 _"Mother Fucker!"_ She yelled in frustration. "You're even more frustrating than that white haired freak!" She yelled at the shower that was now drizzling boiling hot water.

Someone laughed from the open door and Ami spun around, losing her balance but catching herself on the sink. Deidara laughed harder at that. "Hn, when you're done shouting at inanimate objects," he rolled his eye "Pull the lever _half way_ up. It controls the strength of the water and the heat, hn." He looked at her expectantly.

"Che, I knew that." It would have had a bigger impact if her face wasn't red, so instead of making him angry he just laughed and then went on his merry way. Ami stomped over the the bathroom door shut it, and then locked it.

She was slightly disappointed to find that he was right about the shower. "Goddamn it." She muttered, but had a hard time holding onto her anger in the soothing water.

Seeing as how she was a guest, she turned the water off too soon for her liking and wrapped a towel around her body and head. She was never a big fan of sleeping in the nude but she only had one set of clothes, so she'd have to suck it up.

But the clean sheets felt nice on her skin and she fell asleep almost instantly.

* * *

a/n; Huzzah! Ami survived another chapter, good for her. I hope none of this seems out of character for the Akatsuki, mostly keeping her alive. I mean, they are an organization of the people, or it started out that was and became more and more corrupted as the days went by but it's pretty obvious to them that she isn't a threat, not only that but she's from another world, they aren't just going to kill someone with so much potential, right? Anyway in case anyone was wondering, Hidan voted to have her killed. What a douche.


	9. I'm Flying!

When Ami woke up her head pounded and her mouth had the consistency of cotton and if she were honest, tasted pretty gross too. She hadn't had a chance to ask where they kept the extra toothbrushes for visitors. Ami rolled her eyes, psychopaths like these wouldn't put hospitality at the top of their priorities, she could just imagine them making her brush the floor with her toothbrush anyway, those smug bastards.

She rolled herself across the bed and sank dramatically off of it, and hitting her elbow on the floor. "UHHHHHHH I hate this place," she moaned "why couldn't I die and go somewhere else, like Hogwarts." She rolled until she was in arms reach of her clothes "You hear that God? Do you? Because if you can you'd better hope I wake up in Harry Potter World or I'll kick your omnipotent ass seven days from Sunday." She half-heartedly yelled as she dressed.

Once that task was over and done with she got up and made her bed. "See this?" Ami said to no one in particular. "I'm such a good guest, the best guest, even. And how do you award your perfect guest? With bad company and the threat of death!"

With the bed folded absolutely pristinely, she wandered into the hall.

For some reason, she felt like she hadn't see this hallway in about two years, how bizarre.

Putting that thought away, she poked her head around corners until she came across the staircase leading up to the habitable portion of the residence.

"Up, up, up, up the stairs we go. And then we come _out_ of the tunnel." She gave the door at the top a good push and it sailed open to reveal a very large and angry man.

"Hey looks who's back" she yelled, "Ferret boy!" She flew some finger guns his way and ended them with a drawn-out 'Ayy.'

Just then the biggest vein popped out on his forehead, and his face actually became coloured, granted it was more of a dusty rose pink than red, but you gotta award accomplishments when they're deserved. As Ami once again failed to realize how close to death she was dancing, the clam, cool, and collected Itachi came around and stopped the large man from shredding her into pieces.

"Hidan, Leader-sama was very clear, the girl is not to be killed." The rage in Hidan's face remained.

"Or in maimed" continued Itachi.

The death intent continued to linger.

"Hidan, why don't you consider this girl proper of Leader-sama." Hidan snarled and without saying a word stomped down the staircase and out of sight.

An awkward silence hung in the air, Ami looked at Itachi for a good second. "You know I really have to object to being Leader-samas property. "

If it was normal for Itachi to openly display his emotions he might have done a number of things, notably, sigh heavily, facepalm, rub his temple, or just put his head through a window out of pure exasperation. But instead, he rolled his eyes so quickly it couldn't be detected with the human eye. "Ami-san," He paused in the hope she would be able to internalize the next information, "the only thing keeping your head on your shoulders is the fact that Leader-Sama wants you to be."

Ami pondered this, and Itachi took the silence for a good sign and continued "In fact, and you shouldn't be surprised by this, but most of the people you have met already want you dead."

"And that's not an accomplishment" He quickly added after seeing a glint in her eye at mentioning that.

Ami sighed a little and started twirling a strand of her hair "I guess so, but how do you know that I don't secretly harbour a death wish? Or maybe that I'm actually in a coma, as far as I know, this place holds no consequences for me." Itatchi gently grabbed her shoulder and began to silently lead her out the door.

As they walked Ami thought long and hard about how she really did feel. She certainly felt confused about the situation, nothing here ever really added up. What was it about this magic people could do and how lifelike their costumes were.

They walked onwards, through the kitchen, and past the sitting lounge and into a room she hadn't seen before. It was basically a coat room, a large amount of equipment was scattered around and hung on hooks, there was probably every kind of weapon and armour you could imagine.

But Itatchi continued to guide her, then they went out the door. She expected to see the great outdoors but was instead greeted by an underground tunnel.

"Ok Itatchi, this isn't helping my theory about being stuck in some wonked out wonderland." Itatchi surpassed showing his exasperation and continued to gently guide her.

Ami didn't hide her annoyance and huffed. But her reservation went away when they turned the corner, she saw a sliver of blue sky and her heart beat faster, and so did her stride.

When she got to the mouth of the cave the fresh summer wind twisted through her hair and around her fingers. She took a deep breath and savoured the smell of summer air. The view was amazing, they were high on a cliff face that overlooked winding grasslands.

There was a small flat area where the cave opened up, but other wise Ami couldn't fathom any way to get up where they stood. In the moment she was filled with wonder and the beauty of it all, at least until Itachi gave a strong shove and Ami toppled over the edged and began to fall towards her demise.

A/N: CAn you believe it's been over two years? I can't! ... Man, I'm a different person now, I mean different than I was two years ago, and by that I mean I've gotten even sassyer, and less PG 13, being 20 will do that to a person. I'm getting to old for this, which is perfetly iliustrated by the fact that I forgot I wrote in an older chapter that there were spare tooth brushes under the sink... I'm too lazy to fix any mistakes, jsut consider it as branching off paralle universes every time theres a continuity error. *finger guns* Aayyyyyy cool


	10. I saw it It was an accident

Itatchi stood behind the young woman, she seemed so innocent, childlike even. So carefree in the fact that she left herself completely open to attack; her back exposed to a possible enemy while standing near the edge of an extremely long and rocky fall. She made his next intention so mind-boggling easy he almost felt sorry. Almost.

In less time than a blink of an eye, his arms shot out and pushed the woman right off the cliff face.

She fell like a rock, well a rock that could scream at an incredibly loud decibel. After a moment he began to take some pity on her and jumped off and shot after her. He had never planned to let her die, partly because Pein would give the based a generous coating of his blood and inners if this woman did die, but mostly because he needed to drill home the fact that she would be facing actual death if she kept bickering with the other members. Surprisingly enough criminals don't usually have a high level of tolerance to mockery, especially if they're the target. Besides, lessons about death are best learned through almost dying, at least that's what he thought.

Ami screamed, and she thought that for the first time in her life she was screaming in the most primal way. And looking death in the face can do that to a person. And her situation really sucked because there was no way outsmart gravity, you might have a shot if you get caught up in a fight with a bear, but gravity was a cruel mistress. Gravity will always do what it does best, making things fall, which was truly unfortunate for Ami. After maybe a solid three seconds, which basically felt like forever, she passed out cold. And on the fifth second Itachi grabbed her by the middle and using his expert ninja skills gave one big push off the rocks and shot back up to the entrance and casually strolled back inside.

Once in the kitchen, he gently laid her on a bench. Deidara who was poking through the fridge looked over his shoulder at the stoic ninja.

"Did you kill her, hm? Kazuku's going to be pissed, he put his money on Hidan, hm, actually I think everyone's going to be pissed, no one beated on you killing the welp" Deidara chuckled, thinking himself rather funny.

Itatchi wanted to groan, he had had enough of sarcasm and attempts at witty banter, he needed some space. But he needed to have one last word with the woman. He gently shook her shoulder, to which she reacted by sitting up very suddenly and screaming very loudly and very close to his ear. He slapped his hand over her mouth. "Now we both know you don't have a death wish, so don't act like you do." He said curtly and then stormed off in the only way Itachi knew how; without any hint of emotions.

Deidara 'Hm-ed', he could vaguely sense something was off with the brooding Uchiha, which was pretty out of character all things considered. The fact Deidara could even pick up on it was proof enough that the man he just saw must be an imposter. Or… his eyes travelled over to the shocked woman sitting on the kitchen booth. Her face was paper white and she was shaking like a leaf. His eyes narrowed. "Hey asshole," he said.

She slowly moved her head in his direction. "What the fuck did Itachi do to you, hm? You look like you just died and came back to life."

She shuddered "He… He pushed me off a cliff." she said. Deidara laughed "no shit," he closed the fridge without taking anything, "I gotta go tell Hidan."

Ami could continue to hear the echo of his laugh long after she had left the room. She waited till there was silence to shakily stand up and make her way to the sink. She turned the tap to the closet setting it would go and splashed her face until she could come to grips with what had happened. Not that she would ever really come to grips with it, one minute she was falling to her death and the next she was back in the kitchen with the guys in dress up.

As she watched the water go down the drain she thought about what Itachi had said, and she had to agree with him now, she didn't want to die, not really, she needed a few more decades to learn to embrace her mortality. Itatchi's lesson had worked as plan, Ami gained a new appreciation for not dying, even if it was all a dream, or if she was currently in a coma, or if she had already died, none of that mattered because even dying in dreams was absolutely terrifying.

As she stood at the sink she became painfully aware that she was in a house where at least three people wanted to maim her, and the only person who wanted her alive was not around. She shut the tap off and power walked towards her room only to power walk into Kisame.

"Ah! If it isn't the honourable guest of Leader-Sama himself" Ami teetered on her heels "I um, yeah, I'm just going to my room" She said.

"What happened to your spunk? Did Hidan beat it out of you?" He laughed.

"No Itatchi did" she said as she walked past him.  
That answer took Kisame by surprise, Itachi wasn't one to kill the spirit of random people, nor did he stick his nose in business that wasn't his. But he could feel something interesting was at foot, he hoped this situation would at least be vaguely entertaining. The Akatsuki had been getting pretty boring, so he had become starved for something, literally anything, to happen. And he had a feeling this girl would provide just enough entertainment.

* * *

Mmmmmmmm I'm so tired, but hopefully, nobody will be able to tell how tired I really am through my writing. Man, I'm tired though. But anyway see you all next chapter!


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